Mar 03 2023
1:56pm
wowowoowow hello again from my period brains pit of despair. Stomach is sunk I fell like ive missed something. Cant put my finger on what (I can i dont want to). WHY as a person do I LET IT GET LIKE THIS. (its not that bad) it is bad? ive been sick for a month had my wisdom tooth taken out a month ago and im simply diein since with a day of reprieve here and there. Still doing self isolation. Unable to answer my works emails, been ignoring them for a week. highly likely i will be fired. would love to not sit here wishing i could answer the email i would love to answer the email. everytime i try i cant. i cant do it?????????? its actually comical to have a lil bit of select online muteness. PHYSICALLY unable to perform simple tasks. Its a shame i feel so insane and bad currently because i felt fine all month no guilt (some guilt) but mostly i was able to not feel it. but now its here in my belly making a home making me sick. making me wish i was dead. a lil worm in the brain telling me im rotten. Im sick and i cant drink and i quit smoking and i have nothing to give me repreive from bad bad feeling. I have nothigng to take this feeling away. in my mind its like ok bitch lets look at a list of self harm tools u got access to. not very health goth of me. i aint smoking because i do not even feeeeel like it its like giving me intense guilt the thot of doing it. and drinking makes me feel like sooooch shit. Im hardly working i have no money coming in. i have no excuse for being such shit shit person. IM NEVER doing enough, Im letting things slip between my fingertips. I pulled some tarrot cards to get a read on my situation and frankly it was triggering because its so glaringly spot on. anyways this has been my trauma dump of the month. xoxo on the bright side my relationship is doing so well we r happi n in lov and thats my only repreive in this evill fucking world. longing for lush new brunswick farm time summers

Jan 12 2023
11:26AM
pt 2 its hard to navigate my relationships when i am feeling the depression due to my brain tricking me into feeling perceived rejections and resentments that are not rational but my brain feels them all the same. I do my best to keep my distance in these situations because i KnOw its not real but the feelings i feel are ReAL. which leads to me being sooooo negative and snappy and slighted. just a fuckin shit storm i cant get out of. So far the only solution i got for that is isolation/keeping my mouth shut because even I dont even like me. Ive got the big belly pit feeling and simultaniously feel like im stuck standing infront of a car thats gonna hit me but i cant move or do anything or say anything. being unable to reciprocate love is my ultimate demise.

Jan 12 2023
11:26AM
woke up crying truly opened my eyes and tears poured out / wanting to kms. aka time to get on here and write something. funy how the brain forgets how bad the depression feels when it aint there.unable to get help when i feel this way, unable to get help when i dont feel this way cause i convince myself i am FInE. dont feel like i have the resources to reach out rn. My grandmother passed last week. she was 92 and had dementia. I havent seen or talked to her since i left new brunswick. Spent a lot of time with her growing up.Leaving her and my aunt in 2001 was the last time i felt like i had family that loved and cared for me/knew me. I feel horrible inside having never got the chance to see her again. or speak to her. and no one to blame having been just the way things played out i feel absolutely wretched inside. she raised 7 children on her own after her husband burned down the house falling asleep with a cigarette. I wish i got to know her as an adult. spent many nights in her bed watching ytv late at night while my aunts and uncles played cards in her dining room. sometimes i would fall asleep and wake up in the morning still there my parents leaving me overnight. i would cry feeling abandoned. I had recurring dreams about her basement all the way into my teenhood, it had a boiler room that used wood to heat her house and two large taxidermy animals. she had a little skinny gray poodle named star. greif is a funny little thing. makes people uncomfy/makes me uncomfy no idea how to be there for someone greiving/ its so personal and hard to share. makes me retreat into myself.

Dec 2 2022
06:31pm
I feel cringy about that last post lots of self pity there that i need to shut UP about. Things are not that bad. my home life balance/chronic pains are kept to a minimum and i have so much time to rest my brain. I havent used an alarm clock to wake up in months. truly living my dreams out here. oxox cranky pants. I don gon learned to crochet, and have been major isolating from social things. i feel addicted to being at home all the time. its comforting its coy why would i leave this place.

Nov 18 2022
10:31am
Damn damn damn back again. Hello 2 no one. SOOObbed on the couch like a big baby and thot ok better come write something cause crying is p useless. feeling sorry for myself is so wack. Im struggling with a lil bit of self induced poverty. rly am too fucked in the head to know how to get another well paying job. Cannot picture a future where i am not struggling. rly like what is the damn point (of living) talking shit. gotta rememind myself that i chose this *lol*. Really feeling like i am just soo sooo soooo going backwards in my life. Except without the impulsive life ruining choices. On top of it all I have the loomiong anxiety of my dying father over my head. I feel constant guilt for ghosting him. Unsure if its the right choice. I feel a desperate urge to know him, but ultimately know its not going to be what i expect. Its so hard to reason with a man that is delusional. Its hard to reason with a man that threatens suicide constantly. I cannot block him incaSE he is rly dying which means weekly messages accusing me of shit or reminding me that he loves me or asking why i dont love him. Just a burden i gotta let myself carry. I sob and i digress.

Sep 9 2022
10:39pm
ok i been sittin on the computer all damn day my wrist got carpal tunnel (11hrs) im sad im sick cause i just wanna be with my friends, and see my tiny son. im feeling big, had a lil cry ate nothing all day except a bag of takis and some saurkraut. so im loggin the hell off gonna g binge some tv that i have no desire to watch rn. goooo bye bye bye bye bye
music: woolworm - hearted
10:00am
Once again my ADHD brain starts something and goes soooo hard for a week and then forgets to touch it for months. Im stilll alive. My jobless reign is over, im working part time at two jobs, wish i had done it sooner in life. Although i do feel pretty burnt out Ive watched 10 seasons of greys anatomy in two weeks to rest my mind body soul. which means i been doing shit allllll in my spare time. But now that i got that worm out of my brain im back on my what can i obssess on next. I have covid for the third time since january. Im back on my bike eating healthy yet the brain is still bad rotten lil mind. Damon has gone to the island for the weekend for his big rip. cant even get into any shenanigans (๑°꒵°๑)･*♡ not working in a corperate setting has me really feeling like my old self again, without all the bad impulsive descisions. a little lost a little not sure what the fuck im doing a lil back to poverty basics. I feel a lil like an idiot for leaving a job that rly gave me good job security and never woulda had to worry about being broke. as a mentally ill brain I dont see how i could ever even have a job that gives me that again. i really just miss buying 30 dollar candles. Ive been feeliong a lot of inferiority at my restaurant job tho, everyone there is tryna just better their lives > go to school > and the look on their faces when i try to explain what the hell im doing with my life is awk and makes me question what in the hell is wrong with me.
mood: naked sick alone
books reading: lapvona
music: BIG RIG - CLOZER

July 9 2022
Had a miserable miserable night, had to cry and do a phone poetry (thats private). went to bed at two, woke up at 5 after having a lil nightmare. couldnt recall the details but something where damon dies. I woke up at 8 and gave up sleeping more. been drinking coffee in bed all morning havent showered in 5 days. I AM GOBLIN MODE. I have relinquished control of my life and succumbed to my innability to move or care for myself. my meals while home sick since wednesday were:
✶an entire cheesecake
✶3 spring rolls from a box
✶kfc vegan chicken burger
✶bag of takis
✶a slice of pizza
✶saurkraut from the jar
✶poptarts
✶a muffin i didnt finish
i refuse to cook even though i cant afford not to. but no money later is a later problem. i forget to eat until 3pm everyday. i nurse two cups of coffee for breakfast. I am numb but could cry any second if i let myself feel a thing. let a thing hurt me. nothing should hurt me because nothing is wrong and yet.....

July 8 2022
7:39pm
ok i been sittin on the computer all damn day my wrist got carpal tunnel (11hrs) im sad im sick cause i just wanna be with my friends, and see my tiny son. im feeling big, had a lil cry ate nothing all day except a bag of takis and some saurkraut. so im loggin the hell off gonna g binge some tv that i have no desire to watch rn. goooo bye bye bye bye bye
music: woolworm - hearted
10:00am
Once again my ADHD brain starts something and goes soooo hard for a week and then forgets to touch it for months. Im stilll alive. My jobless reign is over, im working part time at two jobs, wish i had done it sooner in life. Although i do feel pretty burnt out Ive watched 10 seasons of greys anatomy in two weeks to rest my mind body soul. which means i been doing shit allllll in my spare time. But now that i got that worm out of my brain im back on my what can i obssess on next. I have covid for the third time since january. Im back on my bike eating healthy yet the brain is still bad rotten lil mind. Damon has gone to the island for the weekend for his big rip. cant even get into any shenanigans (๑°꒵°๑)･*♡ not working in a corperate setting has me really feeling like my old self again, without all the bad impulsive descisions. a little lost a little not sure what the fuck im doing a lil back to poverty basics. I feel a lil like an idiot for leaving a job that rly gave me good job security and never woulda had to worry about being broke. as a mentally ill brain I dont see how i could ever even have a job that gives me that again. i really just miss buying 30 dollar candles. Ive been feeliong a lot of inferiority at my restaurant job tho, everyone there is tryna just better their lives > go to school > and the look on their faces when i try to explain what the hell im doing with my life is awk and makes me question what in the hell is wrong with me.
mood: naked sick alone
books reading: lapvona
music: BIG RIG - CLOZER

jan 28 2022
Damon and I's 6 yr aniversary is comin up. It feels good to have love and trust for so long. My fear of abandonment is so much more under control with those present. BDP still tries to wiggle its way in but I can usually catch myself and say HEY fuckin dont think like that everything is FINE. It still unfortunately shows up in my friendships a lot, everything feels like rejection no matter how not based in reality my thoughts are. Ive got coping mechanisms now though. I dont lash ouT, I just take space to get my brain back into rational state of mind. anyways it feels good to cope. feels good to feel safe and thats what i feel this morning safe and loved.
mood: feeling gooooooooooooooooooood
books reading: Bunny
music: dj TAKA feat.AiMEE - refrain

jan 26 2022
woke up in a pile of drool, after NIGHTMARES of my neighbor being a witch and trying to poison me. I stayed up til 2AM last night listening to my audiobook longing for a wink of sleep. The book is called bunny and while i am enjoying it, there seems to be an insane amount of simile's and metaphors that i feel are bordering on pretentious. OR maybe thats just what writing is supposed to be like and i just read simple books. Im biking to Damons parents today, hopefully that knocks me out.
mood: tired
books reading: Bunny
game playing: Animal crossing

jan 25 2022
Ive been jobless since idk when maybe november? Its hard to remember I as the days kee passing by. I spent the last month in bed I wasnt sick but i guess just sick in the head. Its so easy to stay numb and complacent in the environment of this world. When it feels like there is absolutely nothing to live for. I know what keeps me alive because ive relied on these things in the past to keep me alive. My healthy coping mechanisms. See a friendly face. Laugh if i can. Distract my mind. I do it all the time. Take but once away and im reeling. Again. Its easy to slip into the nothing. Coding this blog is the first time ive felt a glimmer of something that isnt mind numbing in weeks. im going to hold onto it as long as i can. Ive been thinking out loud in my head about the things I will be able to write here. Its so hard to post things on instagram/twitter where it feels like every word is picked apart. I want to be free of that feeling. xoxo